Q: When did you first meet John Kerry?
A: It was the day after my first husband died. We were at the beach house and John was
wind surfing off our private beach he was going back and forth. He was out there for
hours and it was quite cold. He fell off the apparatus and washed up on shore. He was blue
and this struck me as kind of cute.
Q: When did you know you wanted to marry him?
A: After the three tomato sauce bills passed in the Congress. These were John’s tribute to me.
They were the biggest three major pieces of legislation John wrote. Now all U.S. government
and military facilities can only use Heinz tomato products. It was his shinning moment.
Q: Is that a conflict of interest?
A: Of course not dear. Heinz is a trusted name in tomato products and it is only fair. You are
stupid if you would use any other processed tomato products.
Q: Can you clarify your remarks on the relief work being done in Haiti? It was reported you said
America needs to send food not clothing; they can go naked for awhile.
A: It is a tropical country. They need to eat. In Mozambique the colored went naked all the time,
they frolicked.
Q: It is reported that Heinz is sending massive amounts of ketchup to Haiti. Isn’t it better to send
food of a more substantial nature, rice or wheat for example?
A: You’re a funny little person. We are giving them the ketchup at very little profit, maybe only 18%.
No one can live on rice.
Q: What about the 1.5 billion Chineese?
A: The are starving. Look at their color and size.
Q: What will you do as First Lady if your husband is elected?
A: Well the First thing is to paint the White House a different color and then get rid of that horrid
Rose Garden. I think we need to show the world we are not racist. I would think a shade of red is
more appropriate. As for the Garden, we want people to know America is the breadbasket of
the world. We will have a garden we can feed the children with. Maybe .. we grow tomatoes.
Q: Since you convention speech you have not made any appearances at the nation level. Some say
that campaign advisors are keeping you out of the spotlight. What have you been doing?
A: That is simply not true. I have been on the campaign trail every day. I am working very hard
to bring in the great state of Iowa. Iowa, as you know. is one of the most important states we have.
The people bring me joy.
Q: It is reported that you and your husband paid $90,000 in taxes and George Bush paid $250,000. The
income you and your husband reported is miniscule when your net worth is calculated at nearly
1 billion dollars. In fact you and John received over 30 million dollars on returns from your
investments but they were offset by your claim that offshore Heinz Corporation factories operated at
a loss. Critics say that you and John are taking advantage of the very tax loopholes that the Senator
is saying he wants to close. How do you respond to this?
A: We are closely following the law. We will always pay our fair share. The President has one ranch
and we have 4 large estates. Our expenses are much higher so we need more of our money.
Q: Even given that you have higher expenses. On your Massachusetts tax return there is an option to
allow people to forgo the tax break on income and check the box to pay tax at the old higher rate.
If the Senator feels he is getting an unfair advantage why didn’t he do this? His state tax would have
only increased by approximately 3,000 dollars.
A: The 3,000 dollars was not the point. We gave it to charity not the government.
Q: So I assume that when the President say’s he wants the American people to have more control over
their money, you and the Senator agree with him.
A: Of course not, you silly dear. John and I have a firm grasp on what is needed for the American
people and we have the education to allow us to make that decision. The American people do not
have the proper background to do it for themselves. John, of course, went to Yale!
Q: So did the President.
A: This interview is over.